By Dr. Travis Bradberry,
Author of Emotional
Intelligence 2.0
Too many people succumb to the
mistaken belief that being likeable comes from natural, unteachable traits that
belong only to a lucky few — the good looking, the fiercely social, and the
incredibly talented.
It’s easy to fall prey to this
misconception. In reality, being likeable is under your control, and it’s a
matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).
In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 adjectives based on their
perceived significance to likeability. The top-rated adjectives had nothing to
do with being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive (innate characteristics).
Instead, the top adjectives were sincerity, transparency, and capacity for
understanding (another person).
These adjectives, and others like them, describe people who are skilled in the
social side of emotional intelligence. TalentSmart research data from more than
a million people shows that people who possess these skills aren’t just highly
likeable, they outperform those who don’t by a large margin.
We did some digging to uncover the
key behaviours that emotionally intelligent people engage in that make them so
likeable. Here are 13 of the best:
1.
They Ask Questions
The biggest mistake people make when
it comes to listening is they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next
or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them that they fail
to hear what’s being said. The words come through loud and clear, but the
meaning is lost.
A simple way to avoid this is to ask a lot of questions. People like to know
you’re listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows
that not only are you listening, you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll
be surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking
questions.
2. They Put Away Their Phones
Nothing will turn someone off to you
like a mid-conversation text message or even a quick glance at your phone. When
you commit to a conversation, focus all of your energy on the conversation. You
will find that conversations are more enjoyable and effective when you immerse
yourself in them.
3. They Are Genuine
Being genuine and honest is essential
to being likeable. No one likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are
genuine because they know they can trust them. It is difficult to like someone
when you don’t know who they really are and how they really feel.
Likeable people know who they are. They are confident enough to be comfortable
in their own skin. By concentrating on what drives you and makes you happy as
an individual, you become a much more interesting person than if you attempt to
win people over by making choices that you think will make them like you.
4. They Don’t Pass Judgment
If you want to be likeable, you must
be open-minded. Being open-minded makes you approachable and interesting to
others. No one wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed
an opinion and is not willing to listen.
Having an open mind is crucial in the workplace where approachability means
access to new ideas and help. To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment,
you need to see the world through other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require you
believe what they believe or condone their behaviour, it simply means you quit
passing judgment long enough to truly understand what makes them tick. Only
then can you let them be who they are.
5. They Don’t Seek Attention
People are averse to those who are
desperate for attention. You don’t need to develop a big, extroverted
personality to be likeable. Simply being friendly and considerate is all you
need to win people over. When you speak in a friendly, confident, and concise
manner, you will notice that people are much more attentive and persuadable
than if you try to show them you’re important. People catch on to your attitude
quickly and are more attracted to the right attitude than what—or how many
people — you know.
When you’re being given attention, such as when you’re being recognized for an
accomplishment, shift the focus to all the people who worked hard to help you
get there. This may sound cliché, but if it’s genuine, the fact that you pay
attention to others and appreciate their help will show that you’re
appreciative and humble — two adjectives that are closely tied to likeability.
6. They Are Consistent
Few things make you more unlikeable than when you’re all over the place. When
people approach you, they like to know whom they’re dealing with and what sort
of response they can expect. To be consistent you must be reliable, and you
must ensure that even when your mood goes up and down it doesn’t affect how you
treat other people.
7. They Use Positive Body Language
Becoming cognizant of your gestures,
expressions, and tone of voice (and making certain they’re positive) will draw
people to you like ants to a picnic. Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing
your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards the person who’s
speaking are all forms of positive body language that high-EQ people use to
draw others in. Positive body language can make all the difference in a
conversation.
It’s true that how you say something can be more important than what you say.
8. They Leave a Strong First
Impression
Research shows most people decide
whether or not they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you.
They then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their
initial reaction. This may sound terrifying, but by knowing this you can take
advantage of it to make huge gains in your likeability. First impressions are
tied intimately to positive body language. Strong posture, a firm handshake,
smiling, and opening your shoulders to the person you are talking to will help
ensure that your first impression is a good one.
9. They Greet People by Name
Your name is an essential part of
your identity, and it feels terrific when people use it. Likeable people make
certain they use others’ names every time they see them. You shouldn’t use
someone’s name only when you greet him. Research shows that people feel
validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name during a
conversation.
If you’re great with faces but have trouble with names, have some fun with it
and make remembering people’s names a brain exercise. When you meet someone,
don’t be afraid to ask her name a second time if you forget it right after you
hear it. You’ll need to keep her name handy if you’re going to remember it the
next time you see her.
10. They Smile
People naturally (and unconsciously)
mirror the body language of the person they’re talking to. If you want people
to like you, smile at them during a conversation and they will unconsciously
return the favour and feel good as a result.
11. They Know When To Open Up
Be careful to avoid sharing personal
problems and confessions too quickly, as this will get you labelled a
complainer. Likeable people let the other person guide when it’s the right time
for them to open up.
12. They Know Who To Touch (and They
Touch Them)
When you touch someone during a
conversation, you release oxytocin in their brain, a neurotransmitter that
makes their brain associate you with trust and a slew of other positive
feelings.
A simple touch on the shoulder, a
hug, or a friendly handshake is all it takes to release oxytocin. Of course,
you have to touch the right person in the right way to release oxytocin, as
unwanted or inappropriate touching has the opposite effect. Just remember,
relationships are built not just from words, but also from general feelings
about each other. Touching someone appropriately is a great way to show you
care.
13. They Balance Passion and Fun
People gravitate toward those who are
passionate. That said, it’s easy for passionate people to come across as too
serious or uninterested because they tend to get absorbed in their work.
Likeable people balance their passion with the ability to have fun. At work
they are serious, yet friendly. They still get things done because they are socially
effective in short amounts of time and they capitalize on valuable social
moments. They minimize small talk and gossip and instead focus on having
meaningful interactions with their co-workers. They remember what you said to
them yesterday or last week, which shows that you’re just as important to them
as their work.
Likeable people are invaluable and unique. They
network with ease, promote harmony in the workplace, bring out the best in
everyone around them, and generally seem to have the most fun. Add these skills
to your repertoire and watch your likeability soar.
Edited by : Lawyer Asad
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